I’m not writing four paragraphs hyping myself in third person. Such an exercise in vanity and deception would debase everyone involved. Instead, here’s a listicle about me:

I live in Catskill NY with my wife and children and the memory of a dozen baby chickens which, thanks to my negligence, were murdered by a feral weasel.

I coach the chess club at my local community center. Anyone can challenge me, and if you win, you get a signed and framed headshot of me giving you the thumbs up.

I try to persuade nearly everyone I meet to read the book STARMAKER by Olaf Stapledon. To date, no one has.

Do not invite me to play Monopoly or Clue because I will cheat without remorse.

I have extensive collections of self-published UFO contactee literature, obsolete Japanese word processors, privately issued new age cassettes, horse paintings by non-artists, continuous feed printer paper, Pelikano student fountain pens, hypnosis records and. . .I think I’ll stop here.

I once worked on and wrote an educational video game project which, for some reason, was part of a secret government defense program. It was creepy.

I sing in a faux-operatic voice.

My favorite job I’ve ever had was as a court reporter. It was like getting paid to watch daytime court TV.

I’m obsessively curious, and have taught myself finger-picked guitar, video synthesis and animation, font design and ASCII illustration, video game design, analog recording, and countless other dubious pastimes.

I spend way too much time doodling.

If you ever come to my house, I’ll make you the best sandwich you ever tasted.

My favorite writers are Gogol, Borges, LeGuin, Ballard, Cervantes, (Kobo) Abe, Kawabata, (Andrei) Biely, Vonnegut, Lessing, Sturgeon, Salinger, Cioran, Woolf, Butler, Tolkein, and I’ll stop here because there are so many.

I went to school at NYU, UC Santa Barbara, and the New School, where I studied film, art, and writing. The only grades I got were either As or Fs.

Seventy percent of my long-term memory is taken up by rap lyrics.