I’m can’t bring myself to write four hype paragraphs in third person. Instead, here’s a listicle about me:

I live in Catskill NY with my wife and children and the memory of a dozen baby chickens which, thanks to my negligence, were murdered by a feral weasel.

I coach the chess club at my local community center. If you beat me, you get a signed and framed headshot of me giving you the thumbs up.

I try to persuade nearly everyone I meet to read the book STARMAKER by Olaf Stapledon. To date, one person has.

I cheat at Monopoly, Clue, and various other card games.

I have extensive collections of self-published UFO contactee literature, obsolete Japanese word processors, privately issued new age cassettes, horse paintings by non-artists, continuous feed printer paper, Pelikano student fountain pens, hypnosis records and. . .

I once worked on and wrote an educational video game project which, for some reason, was part of a secret government defense program. It was creepy.

I sing in a faux-operatic voice.

My favorite job I’ve ever had was as a court reporter. It was like getting paid to watch daytime court TV.

I have taught myself finger-picked guitar, video synthesis and animation, font design and ASCII illustration, video game design, analog recording, and countless other dubious pastimes.

I have to doodle to while talking on the phone or listening to people.

I host a local radio show where I make live cassette and vinyl mixes with 4 turntables and 3 four-track tape recorders.

My favorite writers are Gogol, Borges, LeGuin, Ballard, Cervantes, (Kobo) Abe, Kawabata, (Andrei) Biely, Vonnegut, Lessing, Sturgeon, Salinger, Cioran, Woolf, Butler, Tolkein, and John Swartzwelder.

I went to school at NYU, UC Santa Barbara, and the New School, where I studied film, art, and writing. The only grades I got were either As or Fs.

Eighty percent of my long-term memory is taken up by rap lyrics. And I can scratch way better than you.